Oil, baby shit, guitars

To make things clear, I did conceive that baby I was yearning for with my husband. I wasn't quite looking for such an immediate manifestation of that desire, but I'm so happy he is here.He is a little Buddha-a calm little Aquarian who always looks surprised or worried due to the eyebrows he inherited from his father. He looks Asian and he has a dimple in the apple of his cheek. His name is Caelum Croix Segura. Caelum is the name of a tiny constellation, Croix is for the honeymoon in St.Croix that he got to attend as a zygote, and Segura is from his father. The night I met Mark as a deeply tanned and flighty nineteen year old he told me his last name meant security-something I craved from the then-boyfriend for whom I burned with a mostly unrequited love. That stuck with me and I'm very pleased to be feeling just that-secure-with the first adult love I've ever experienced. Kiwi treats Caelum like a mildly interesting puppy we took in. Since his birth it feels like he's always been here. The circle is complete.

As I type and my baby naps a hole that men gouged on the ocean floor for the purpose of staying rich is poisoning our ocean. It is day 51 of this hole spewing crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico. As a mother and a woman growing into a stage of life that is rewarding on a level so much richer than it was before I knew my children, it is hard not to obsess with the fear of what it will mean to them. I just want to document that this is the beginning and I am aware that such disasters are inevitable. I am a member of the human race and I will suffer the consequences of the stupid shit we allow to happen in the name of the almighty dollar. I live here on the Gulf Coast solely because of that dollar and that industry. I am just as guilty as anyone I suppose. Maybe this will wake us up. Maybe good will come of it. I will pray for something positive to come of this. Daily new photos show up of oil soaked pelicans and dead sea turtles and it just makes me feel ashamed. I feel powerless and uninformed and I can't help but want to pull my children closer to me and cherish the comfort of our lives together.

I think Caelum sensed my fear the past couple of days. He's been uncharacteristically fussy and needy. Usually he is content to watch the daily activities of Kiwi and I and only makes a scene when he's hungry or has just experienced one of his daily ass explosions. Maybe he's just pissed that he can't move around yet. His sweet nature has me spoiled. He is sticking to his eating and sleeping routine though, so I am grateful.

My husband has always had a propensity for buying guitars as impulsively as I buy shoes, but I thought the quiet of the past nine months meant he was finally content with our collection. Not so. And that's fine, but I have always preferred to play a guitar and see if it speaks to me before inviting it into my home. My husband got caught up in the emotion and drama of the addicting combination of online shopping and flea market that is ebay. So $500 floated away from our online tally of dollars and into the online tally of someone else. But he works hard and lets me stay home and write and rear the kids and is generally a very sweet husband. I only got mad for a few minutes. I don't know why its so much easier to let money slip out of your hands rather than to spend it in chunks, but it is.

My final thoughts for the day are this: savor the moment and pray for peace so that when the conscious ones cease, you no longer have The Fear.