Summer

Today was a long, lazy, and luxurious day. I woke up to my children cooing at each other, in a pile of little boy scented love. My day opened with a conversation with Mel which always engages me (even if what inspired her to call me was the residual nastiness of a past she-devil) and a strong cup of coffee in one of my favorite paisley mugs.

Then I showered and dressed and we piled in Jeepie and lunched at Sonic, which invoked guilt and bliss in me-only bliss in Kiwi. He had a sleeve of Ritz crackers courtesy of Grandma Sharon before we left and after he chugged his milkshake he began gagging and complaining of being ill. My son pukes when he gets too full. It's a healthy version of Bulimia so I don't mind.

After that I laid in bed for a couple of hours while Caelum screeched happily and played with his feet. He soon wore himself out and I nursed him to sleep. The house is now in a quiet late afternoon lull. The air conditioner is the only sound accompanying the clacking of the keyboard.

I really should offer Mark a whole hearted thank you every day for allowing me to float along like this every day. I almost feel guilty about being so happy and enjoying my children so fully. When I look back at how cheated Kiwi was back when I slapped clothes on him and myself every morning, drove half an hour to Beaumont, dumped him off and picked him up nine or so hours later so I could offer him some half assed version of dinner and be lucky to send him to bed with brushed teeth-I feel horrible. It's not the preschool that causes the guilt-that's good for him. It's him having to have endured the early morning 'free play' and after school 'free play' that is really just baby farming and not constructive at all that makes me sad. I rarely made it to pick him up before dark in winter months.

That experience is what keeps me from feeling like a completely self indulgent a-hole when I have a day like this. I know my children are benefiting just as much as I am from this undivided attention. Keenan eats regularly now and bathes every day. He even brushes his teeth after every meal. His drawers are scented with fabric softener and are never empty, and his room is usually clean. I know that millions of mothers out there do all the housework and child-rearing while juggling a full time job. I've done it myself, although the laundry doing and dinner cooking parts of motherhood often suffered. The experience really helps me appreciate this time. I love being busy. I love having a routine. It's just so much easier to do things thoughtfully when not every minute is just an opportunity to get something done. I LOVE being.